Two sisters with high needs came into our care several years ago, a few months apart. The teen siblings, both on the autistic spectrum, struggled with anger, aggression, and other traumas from abuse or neglect in their home that made permanency challenging. After they were fully relinquished to DCFS, it became clear that both would need high care in a loving, family home environment.

Every child deserves permanency, no matter their age, and it takes dedicated child welfare professionals with a willingness to work as a team with that child to ensure their voice is heard and included.

This can be hard, especially with young people who find trust difficult. This challenge can be compounded further with older youth who have their own unique needs.

There must be a willingness to put in the work to earn and build that trust, especially when the worker may be one of the few constants in the child’s life.

In order to ensure each received the level of care they needed; the sisters were placed separately. They both went through several placements and group homes.

When their first caseworker was promoted to a new position, she knew this would be hard on them. That worker went the extra mile to do everything she could to plan a supported transition to the new worker, in the hope the siblings would be comfortable and would know their interests would still be heard and valued. It still wasn’t an easy change.

When I was assigned their case, they missed their old worker, and they missed each other. We continued to work with their separate placements to find creative ways for them to stay in contact and visit. It was several conversations that led to the hard understanding that separating their permanency plans would be the best way to find them the homes they needed.

Both sisters were assigned an amazing adoption worker. We all worked together to listen to what each sister wanted for themselves in a home. One identified a former Department of Child and Family Services worker from several years earlier. It would mean transferring the case to another region, and another worker seeing it through to the end.

The adoption was finalized earlier this year, with the adoptive mother committed to maintaining the sisters’ connection to each other. Seeing what is possible has also affected the sister still waiting for permanency. She doesn’t push everyone away as hard as she did before, and I think she is more open to the idea of a home.

This work is never simple.

What is simple is the understanding that every child deserves a loving home and a say in what that home will be.

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

For Mary Metevier*, mother of seven adopted children with her husband Ron*, permanency is a feeling rather than an action.

“Unconditional love and structure—that’s what comes from my husband and me. We set guidelines. We always reinforced our love.”

For the Metevier family’s oldest child, now 33 with a family of her own, patience was the true gift of the relationship.

“Our daughter was 14 when she came to live with us. She had a very traumatic past and that erupted into an attachment disorder. She would run. So, we had to be consistent. It took 6 years and she had already aged out.”

Mary says her daughter was 20 at that point and she wasn’t ready for adoption. “So, we waited. She came to us when she had her first child and we adopted her as a young adult at the age of 21.”

“Now, she is 33. She’s doing wonderful. She’s a very hard worker, serves in the National Guard, and works full time with three beautiful children.” Mary is proud to say, “Our daughter is a wonderful mother, and she works very hard at relationships in the family.“

According to Mary, “It took her a long time to ‘get’ family life but, when she did, she got it. DCF thought she’d been through so much she would struggle in life, but she’s done beautifully.”

For the Metevier family, adoption comes often because of first fostering children. “My older children LOVE the fact that Ron and I adopted again and are SO helpful. They really LOVE being around the younger children.” She hears, “Now I get it,” from her older children who, she says, are all very thankful.

She says that all their children have embraced and supported each other. “The children have been through tough times.” And so, when advising people interested in foster care and adoption, the mother of seven says,

“It is a hard job. Don’t commit unless you are sure and get to know your children.”

One son, she says, never felt safe. “He always thought he was going to be taken away. And so, he would take things to protect himself should the need arise. Once we understood why and we reassured him, things smoothed out.”

Mary closes with this thought,

“We LOVE what we do. I work hard with these kids. Ron and I are proud of every one of the kids. They work hard. They’re wonderful children. We see how resilient they are and that is a great success, not a failure.”

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

When Sherrika* learned she had a young cousin in foster care, she and her husband immediately contacted social services and expressed their desire to adopt. “We trusted who Cierra* was with,” Sherrika said. “But we wanted her to be with family.”

At the time, Sherrika and George* had already adopted two children and fostered a third. Caring for kids is what Sherrika and George do, so they were especially glad to be able to care for a kid who’s also kin. “It’s best to keep the bonds of family strong,” Sherrika said. Cierra thought it was best too. “When I learned it was someone I knew,” she said, “I was happy to go live with them.”

Gentle People are Sometimes Best Equipped to Handle Tough Situations:

It was 2007 when Sherrika was told she couldn’t have children, but she and George weren’t going to let that stop them from building a family of their own. Instead, they dutifully researched alternatives.

The day they met their first foster placement is a day they remember well. “When we first got to the hospital and laid eyes on DJ*, he was there with a whole bunch of tubes in him,” George said.

Sherrika and George admitted to being overwhelmed, but it turned out the conditions were right for unconditional love. “We took a step back and said ‘OK, we can do this,’” George said. The couple stayed by DJ’s side, watched over him, and nurtured him. “We rubbed his feet to make sure he kept breathing,” George said.

Once a fragile newborn, DJ is now a healthy pre-teen and has since been reunited with his birth mother. Sherrika and George remain very involved as godparents, as well as mentors. “If his mom has a problem, she knows she can call on us,” Sherrika said.

The Idea of Adoption Was Almost Instantaneous:

Sherrika and George met Mary* and Nicholas* on a Monday in 2009. On Friday, the siblings stayed the night. “And they were moving in the following weekend,” George said. “I and Mary bonded right away,” Sherrika added. Nicholas, however, had a difficult time warming up. It’s not uncommon for children in foster care to shy away from foster parents.

Children don’t resist because they’re ungrateful; they resist because they’ve been traumatized. “You have to develop tough skin,” Sherrika said. “Nicholas* was 5 and Mary* was 7, and we were their third foster placement. I knew they’d been through a lot. It was confusing for them, but there’s nothing a little love can’t cure.”

Sherrika and George ultimately adopted Nicholas (now 17) and Mary (18). All of Nicholas’ earliest anxieties have long been forgotten, as evidenced by a message he recently sent George. “I’ve got to show you this text,” George said proudly as he thumbed through his cell phone. “Nick sent this the other day:

‘Thank you again, Dad. I really and honestly appreciate what you are doing for me. None of this would have been possible without you. You are the best father I could ever wish for.’”

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

I am a youth advocate specializing in “youth voice and choice” within policy and practice changes by collaborating with our state and community agencies. Through the work of the council, I became part of a youth voice movement.

Together we seek to harness authentic youth voice, create space for youth and young adults with lived experience to work alongside system leaders to find solutions to local issues, and provide a platform for statewide collaboration.

With the “Agency Community” I had the opportunity to co-create and co-present a statewide program. The webinars gave me a chance to share my foster care placement transition story and provide recommendations on how listening to youth in care can help maintain placement stability.

I spent 4 years in the foster care system and lived in six different placements—four group homes and two foster homes. One time, my case manager picked me up from school. When we got to the group home, I found my belongings packed in trash bags by the front door and I was told that I was moving.

Later, I found that some sentimental items were missing, and I did not get the chance to say goodbye to my friends. I wasn’t told what was happening or where I was going. I was made to feel like it was all my fault.

I had a really hard time moving. I ended up going to five different high schools. These displacement experiences made me feel alone, ashamed, and unwanted. I share my story so that people will think about what they can do to change the system.

I want people involved in the foster care system to know about trauma and adolescent brain development. Instability in foster care can make behavior problems worse. Youth are undergoing physical changes, emotional turbulence, feeling stressed by school, relationships with peers, and their brain is still developing.

I learned that the brain does not fully develop until the late 20s, which makes adolescence susceptible to making impulsive decisions and engage in risky behavior. Add trauma and instability to that equation and it is a recipe for disaster.

When there are issues in a foster or group home, youth need someone they can trust that will listen to them. Someone who understands how the adolescent brain works, who understand that youth in foster care feel ostracized, someone who can be trauma-sensitive in responding to youth’s behavior.

I advocate for youth in foster care because I want them to have a better experience than I did with things like placement transitions. I hope that by sharing my story, child welfare professionals may become empowered to include youth voices in issues such as placement transitions.

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

While Alicia* was placed with her foster family, her initial permanency planning goal was to return home; however, it changed to adoption. When the foster family learned about the change of adoption, they were very eager to start the adoption process with Alicia.

Alicia has grown so much in her behavior, personality, and life skills, from when she was first placed with her family. When she arrived at their home, she arrived with a lot of hurt and disappointments. She was very angry, defiant, and didn’t trust anyone including her caseworker.

She was scared to open herself up and attach to anyone or anything because she didn’t want to get hurt again. Alicia felt as though everyone would give up on her, as others have done in the past.

As her caseworker, I assisted the family with trying to understand Alicia’s world. I encouraged Alicia to develop healthier coping skills and to try to replace her negative behavior with good behavior. In addition, we also had to teach Alicia manners and about disagreeing respectfully.

The family has taken a lot of time and has shown the consistency to assist with Alicia’s change. They responded to Alicia’s fear with love. Over time, Alicia learned to trust her family as they developed their bonds.

Alicia considers herself being a big sister in the home and she takes her role very seriously to show her young siblings how to behave and be good and respectful.

During the pandemic, Zoom conferences were used to maintain a connection and check in with Alicia. Creative activities tailored to Alicia’s age were conducted via telehealth to maintain the connection. In each session, Alicia was engaged and very open to sharing her song writings and journal entries.

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

Having previously represented children in dependency proceedings, I witnessed firsthand the importance of youth being involved in court proceedings. As the state’s child advocate, I realize the same importance of engaging youth in system improvement. We aren’t here to give lip service to children and their families.

If we mean what we say about engagement, we must take action to foster it. Authentic engagement involves meeting youth where they are and showing them that they matter. It can take time and effort, but it’s worth it, especially when that engagement means that youth build resilience, self-esteem, and leadership skills.

Authentic youth engagement also involves giving youth their own bullhorn. In doing so, we must step back, listen and learn, and offer support:

• Step back: One young lady said, “I have been that youth before that knew what I thought was best for me. Leaving a foster home at 17 to move into an apartment to start college even though I wasn’t 18. Many adults didn’t think it was best. But I knew it was best for me. I’m grateful I was listened to.” This same young lady is now in her senior year of college and has become a strong advocate for herself and others.

• Listen and learn: As part of a training series focused on permanency, a youth panel speaks to multidisciplinary teams from multiple jurisdictions about their experiences with permanency, what permanency means to them, and their thoughts for how all front-line professionals can better engage youth and support them toward permanency.

• Offer support: One young lady, at age 18, had not been in care long but had strong desires about her placement. She wrote a letter about herself and what she wanted, which was shared with potential placements. She also researched placements, identified one that she liked, and was accepted by that placement. Her adult supporters empowered her to take ownership of a decision that will have a significant impact on her life and encouraged her to continue on her path of making choices that would benefit her now and in the future.

• Giving youth their own bullhorn: A 16-year-old, with the support of her attorney, requested a hearing to talk with the judge about her educational concerns. Even though she didn’t get the outcome she wanted, she felt valued, heard, and respected—a huge win. Today, she is in her 20s, obtained a college degree, and is pursuing her passions.

When asked, “What does it mean to you to have a space for your voice to be heard and to advocate for others?” One young lady responded: “To have a specific and dedicated ability to be able to say what I want. Free of judgment and harsh criticism. But, also a place where those who are listening are understanding and those who don’t understand are willing to learn and understand.”

By handing this youth a bullhorn, she sees that what she has to say matters and she is helping others to see that they matter, too.

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

Mara* is a happy, inquisitive, animated 9-year-old girl trying to enjoy summer with her two dads, adoptive parents Daniel*, a high school English and film teacher, and Anthony*, a data analyst.

Like the rest of the country, Mara’s summer looked different in 2020, but not just because of the COVID-19 pandemic. She finally has a place to call home with Anthony and Daniel after a long, emotional journey through several foster care homes on the road to permanent placement.

Mara entered the foster care system in 2014 and experienced many placements in foster and group homes. During her time in care, Mara excelled in school and took an interest in helping others while working with various members of her case management team to address behavioral issues and trauma-related stress. Mara was “referred” in 2018 in the hopes of finding a home that would meet her complex needs as she progressed in age.

Daniel and Anthony first met Mara in May 2019. Longing for a family of their own, the couple had considered adoption for some time prior to finding Mara. They felt an immediate draw to her when they came across her profile online.

“We always talked about adoption as something in the future,” Daniel said. “One day we just said, ‘why not now?’ Mara was our first inquiry; it was serendipitous.”

Her profile underscored that an ideal placement would be in a home supportive of her gender identity because it would allow for the family to help her explore with a deeper level of empathy, noting that she often depicted herself in drawings as a girl and expressed on several occasions that she was a girl. During this process, she came out as a transgender girl. “We were drawn to her from the moment we found her profile online, and we were completely taken by her once we met in person,” Daniel said. “We are excited to be able to provide a loving, safe home for her to thrive in as she grows up.”

Christy*, Mara’s adoption recruiter affectionately refers to Mara as an intelligent, spunky young girl whose infectious spirit positively impacts everyone she meets. As part of Mara’s care team, she provided support for Mara and her now-adoptive parents every step of the way, including adoption preparation work leading up to the adoption finalization.

Daniel and Anthony traveled to meet the child who would ultimately become their family. Due to complications around the COVID-19 pandemic, the finalization of the placement and adoption took longer than expected. “The hardest part about the process was the wait,” Daniel recounted. “After Mara came to us for the trial period, it was an excruciating wait for her to return. Every time we spoke with her, she asked when she could come back, and we just weren’t sure how long it would take given the pandemic. We were all anxious to be together again.

Even though the COVID-19 pandemic has greatly impacted other organizations in maintaining services, many continue to operate in this virtual environment, where recruiters are meeting with children and youth via phone calls and Skype and actively looking for permanent placements. Mara loves to play dress-up, proclaims every color of the rainbow is her favorite and enjoys spending quality time with her dads, playing games, exploring the outdoors, watching shows, and being a family. Her dads ensure Mara remains connected with her grandmother, who spent Christmas 2019 with them during a mutual visit.

Mara’s adoption finalized in June 2020. Daniel and Anthony sought to make the moment memorable by compiling a video with messages from her caseworkers and select friends and family.

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

I spent 17 years in foster care. If my memory serves me correctly, I lived in about 12 different homes and in one shelter. And I attended about 10 different schools, across two different counties.

All my life, my mother suffered from severe mental illness; my father was absent. I say all of this to emphasize that many youth pay attention to their placements, their schools, and their lives.

Their input and their engagement in both court hearings and the full permanency planning process can and does lead to improved stabilization, as well as expedited reunification and permanency because it enables them as stakeholders in their own lives.

Foster care and non-traditional family structures often make people impacted by foster care feel disempowered and detached from their own lives. But, when we intentionally trust youth to provide us information about their wants and their needs, we give them back the agency they so desperately seek.

I remember being a small child, no more than 5 or 6, and I was given the chance to speak at a court hearing that was held in a gloomy, dungeon-like courthouse. Although I was (and still very much am) a shy introvert, I clearly spoke up and out to the judge that I would like to be back with my mother.

I felt seen, I was heard, and I felt empowered to be a working part of my own permanency plan.

It would be incredibly negligent of me to not mention the importance of strong connections during my 17 years in foster care. There were key people throughout my entire childhood and adolescents, including lawyers, social workers, advocates, independent living workers, and even judges who grew to know me and who were in support of me being empowered to advocate for myself, my wants, and my needs. I am still in contact with many of these individuals today.

Social media has been a powerful medium for connecting and maintaining those relationships that shaped me into the person I am today. Their connectedness to me and their investment into my growth and success will be with me forever.

I look forward to empowering other youth in foster care to be agents of great, powerful, and positive change within their own lives and the lives of those around them!

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

Rachel* never knew who was coming through the door.

On Friday afternoons, when she would get locked in her bedroom; she knew she would have to wait to learn who her parents had become after spending the weekend at the casino. Would they be the jubilant winners, celebrating their good fortune? Or would they be the dejected couple burdened with caring for a 6-year-old girl that brought them nothing but bad luck?

Too many times the house won, and Rachel lost. Their frustration, fueled by alcohol, was unleashed on a little girl who’d been waiting in fear.

By the time Rachel arrived at LYDIA, she had learned to anticipate being shuttered away to await a punishment she did not deserve. She waited, day-after-day, but it never came. Instead, day-after-day, she found love and acceptance by the professionals at LYDIA.

The consistency, structure, and routine began freeing her from anxiety and allowed her to feel safe for the first time in her life. Her therapist at LYDIA taught her healthy ways to open her heart, to forgive, and live with dignity and self-respect.

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.

By the time he was 10 years old, Tony* had been placed in seven different foster homes.

Tony was born into a broken family. His father was abusive, and his mother found her comfort in drugs. Tony was either invisible or the focus of violent anger. After multiple foster families gave up on him, he was sent to live at LYDIA Home.

The staff remembers him arriving as a traumatized and challenging kid. However, the longer he was at LYDIA, Tony went from being the instigator of fights to a mediator and reconciler. The staff never stopped investing in him. They believed that he could have a bright future full of HOPE, HEALING, and HOME.

They were right.

When he was 15 years old, Tony was placed into a loving foster home. Through the counseling and care he received through LYDIA’s residential program; Tony was ready to live in a traditional foster care setting. He has since married, fathered three children, and has his own home. Tony remains in contact with the staff at LYDIA, whom he regards as his family. This past summer, he decided to invest in a child at LYDIA. He began mentoring Michael*, a small and loving 6-year-old boy with past traumas of his own.

While mentoring Michael, a boy with a painful past like his own, Tony and his wife decided to get their foster care license. This past summer, Tony’s family welcomed Michael into their home and became the boy’s foster family.

When a community invests in the lives of hurting children, like Tony, their entire lives can be changed for the better. Instead of repeating the same patterns of his parents, his life was redirected. He was guided by people who were committed to him and invested in him.

*names and personal information have been tweaked to preserve the privacy of the people in the stories.